Stepping Past Boundaries

Now that we had established that Jay was bicurious, and wanting to explore what this meant for him, I told him that perhaps he should find a ‘boyfriend’….. 

I’m not really sure what I meant when I said that… I just wanted to be supportive.   I had no idea what it would be like for my husband to have a boyfriend, but surely I wasn’t the only one who had experienced this.

He installed a ‘Craigslist’ app on his phone almost immediately, and would often browse the mmf (male male female) ads to see if he could find anyone that matched what he desired.   As open as he was being with me, he would still hide the fact that he was looking.   I shamefully took to spying on him, and spying on his phone.

He continued to tell me that if he was going to explore, he would be exploring with me by his side.  He wasn’t ready to do this on his own, and yet, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be with another man.

We took to looking at ads together, to keep sex fun and fresh,  and one night, while getting ready to ‘get it on’, I suggested that we look again.

I’m not sure what I clicked on, however, I was met face to face with an ad that he had added to his favorites and replied to.

It was for a 36 year old man, who was looking for a ‘straight man’ to play with.  He claimed to be attracted, with no experience and wanted to find the right match for him.

With all of my openness and support, I learned that Jay had been talking back and forth with this guy.   Three messages in total.

Is he cheating?!  Am I not supporting him enough?  What about me?! 

Jay looked like a deer caught in headlines when I showed him the message.   I tried to calm myself.   Reacting at this point wouldn’t open the lines of communication.  I had to be sure of what the next best steps were.

“So you like this guy?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” Jay replied.   “I only talked to him twice.   But I like the pictures.  And yah, it kind of turned me on.”

“Cool,” I replied, looking back at the ad.

To myself, there was nothing overtly special about the pics that he had included, but for whatever reason they got Jay excited.

In knowing that Jay was excited, it got me to feeling excited as well.

“Do you want to pretend I’m him?” I asked.

A flash of excitement sparked in Jay’s eyes.   He shook it away.  “I’m not sure what you mean.”

I kissed him softly.   “Well, we’ve got the strap on.   And you can only f*ck me in the back.   If this is what turns you on, then let me please you”.

Jay was stripping my clothes off at this point.   He was harder than he had been in a very long time, his bulge straining against his pants.   There was a desperation in him, as he threw me on the bed, and started to kiss me from behind.

I played the part that night.   Of the gay lover.  Wearing my strap on.   Being kissed in all the right places.  Feeling special.  None of my lady bits came into play.  The lady bits weren’t what he was after.   For the night, I could be the ‘man’ he needed me to be, to fulfill whatever fantasy was going on in his mind.  And, for the first time in forever, I felt wanted in our sexual entanglement.  I didn’t feel as though I had to ‘try’ to make him turned on.  He already was, just by the mere thought of me being someone else.

I enjoyed it while it lasted, but just like Jay, the shame and the guilt that rode over me when we were all done was hard to work through.

Jay felt guilt that he hadn’t bothered to please me at all.  And yet, as his orgasm reverberated through his body, and he cried out in ecstasy as he filled himself and filled me, none of that mattered.   He was where he needed to be.

I felt shame that my lady bits were no longer wanted.  I felt shame for feeling shame over this.   Again, I wanted to be supportive, and yet, how do you support something that is killing you inside?

Accepting a New Husband

Being in love with a man who is confused about his sexuality is a bit frustrating at times.  I love him…. and in that, I mean all of him…. but did I really sign up for this? 

If I were to ask my husband today if he were gay, he would say no.   He would just say that he is interested in being with a man… but because he hasn’t been yet, he can’t really decide.  Even though we have been on this journey for what feels like forever, he’s still unsure of what all of this means.

If I were to go back to three years ago, he wouldn’t even admit that he liked guys to me openly.  It was just something that he tried to keep to himself, and did a miserable job of doing so.  It was summer of 2015 that he looked at me with an openly pained expression on his face and said, “I think I might be bi-sexual”. 

“Yah, I know,” I replied.

The relief on his face was heartbreaking.   He was in some serious pain.  I had read about this on multiple sites…. the struggle that many men went through, in being honest with themselves, and in being honest with their wives, children and family.

And no wonder:  In my own research into this, there isn’t a lot of support for the men who admit they are gay/bi-sexual and the women who love them.

In fact, I had purchased all of the books available on Amazon by Bonnie Kaye, after being on her website : Gay Husbands, Straight Wives.   I had been hoping for understanding, reassurance, and maybe a guide line, or how to.

What I got instead was a bunch of stories of many men who had cheated on their wives, who had led 2 different lives, and really did some God-aweful things to the women they chose to marry.   Rather than feeling more confident about our relationship, it only brought up more fears for me.

I think the part that got to me the most was her statement that there was no such thing as a bi-sexual man.   He was gay, or he was straight and there was no in between.

And yet…. here was my husband, confessing to me one of his own biggest secrets, that he was attracted to both women and men.   Confessing that he was wanting to experience sexual acts with a man…..but that he still wanted to love me, his wife, and make love to me just as before.  

Would it be possible for him to have both?  Could I be open enough and supportive enough for him to experience it?  Would I be confident enough in myself to help him to move forward with his curiosity?

Because of my own inner work that I had been doing behind the scenes since my first discovery of his shemale porn addiction, I was able to sit with Jay after his confession, and discuss what this would mean for our relationship.

What made him come to the conclusion that he was bisexual?   Was it a ‘phase’ that he was going through or was this something that he had been thinking about and feeling for quite a while?   Was he wanting to explore outside of the marriage?  And if so, how often would he need to ‘get out of the house’ to satisfy himself?   Was there anything I could do to support him in his own sexual journey?

His answers were simple:   He wasn’t sure that he was bisexual, but he knew that he wanted to try having sex with a man.   He was bi curious.   The desire came and went….it wasn’t every day, but sometimes the urges to be with a man were stronger than he could control.  It had been something that had started prior to him watching the shemale porn, and the porn that he was watching was really just an opening door for him to see if it was in his head or pants or whatever.   He would like to explore outside of the marriage, if it was okay with me.   Perhaps we could have a threesome.  He wouldn’t know how much he wanted it, until he tried it at least once.   And I was already doing enough by simply listening to him.

It was a conversation that I will never forget…. even though for some it may tear them apart, I felt in those moments that our souls were bared to one another.  We were both standing on the edge of the cliff, and neither of us were willing to let each other go.

If you are a ‘straight wife’ wondering if your husband is bisexual, or gay, or some mix of the two, I invite you to open yourself to him.   Be comfortable within your own skin to help him discover and accept these hidden parts of himself.  There’s nothing wrong with him…. or with you.   Conversation and acceptance for both of you is key for your relationship to move forward.  This doesn’t need to be the end.

If you’re a bi-curious/bisexual/gay man married to a woman, rather than allowing your guilt to eat up at you, have the conversation with your wife.   99% sure that her woman’s intuition is already telling her something is up.  The more you can open yourself up to her about what your feelings truly are, the freer you will feel.

I understand that not everyone will be able to have these conversations, however, it is these conversations that can allow us to grow together as a couple.  Again, this doesn’t have to be the end.   Trust in each other.



When His Confusion Creates Tension in the Bedroom

Sex is a huge part of any marriage, and when one or both partners is struggling with their own sexual identity, communication (as always) is key to keep things going in the bedroom. 

When my husband, Jay (**alias, as it’s his secret too) first started to discover this new aspect of his sexuality, he tried to keep it hidden.   He was curious.  He was bored.  Someone at work told him to check out a porn on shemales.  He told me everything in the book as to why he was looking, and in many ways, I wanted to believe him.

This was my own by pass of a difficult conversation that I didn’t want to have, or wasn’t ready to have quite yet.

He began to talk about prostate massage and how it would be good for his overall health for him to give it a try at some point, but he wasn’t ready yet, and frankly, neither was I.

We were about a year into arguing over his growing porn use, when on a long drive, without children, we were talking about sexual desires, and what the porn use actually meant.

He told me for the first time that was hoping to have me ‘peg’ him (where the woman wears a dildo and has sex with the man anally).   I told him I was willing to give it a try, if he thought it may help him, or that he would enjoy it.

We stopped at a local sex store, bought the needed equipment and went home to give it a try.   The strap on wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world, and the experience felt a bit awkward at first.   We were both feeling vulnerable, and turned on, and questioning whether this was the best next step.

After getting through the first painful steps, everything started to just flow.  For the first time in many, many months, I could see a look of ecstasy on Jay’s face.   While I was not receiving any pleasure in ‘giving it to him’, seeing him thoroughly enjoying himself in sex was enough for me.

But when it was all said and done, Jay recoiled and said that it was ‘okay’ but he didn’t think he would like to do it again.  

Sex returned to ‘male/female’ sex, and at the same time, it began to dwindle down.   Rather than our normal 3-4 times a week, we were lucky to get 1 or 2.

I questioned him on this.  His porn use was regular…..why couldn’t our sex life be as well?  As much as I tried to not make it all about me, I still couldn’t help but feel that I wasn’t attractive enough, I wasn’t feminine enough…. maybe I wasn’t ‘male’ enough…. regardless of what I wasn’t enough of, the answer in my mind was quite clear…. I wasn’t enough.

Jay would reassure me over and over again that it had nothing to do with me… he was tired…. we didn’t have time…. I was tired…. we had argued….. there was always a reason.  If I put the pressure on, we would have sex, if I didn’t, the sex would die off.

It was another year of this, before I really started to open up the lines of communication about this elephant in the room.  We had both danced around it, but neither of us was willing to truly speak out about what was going on.

One night I suggested for the two of us to watch a porno together, to get us in the mood and initiate some good sex.

We laid naked, as the porno began.  He remained soft as a woman was introduced, and the focus was on her pleasuring herself.  When a man came on the screen and he was exposed, fully erect, I watched my husband grow to a full erection as well.   The once soft, flaccid flesh between his legs was now rock hard and he started to stroke absently, slowly, then furiously.

I was shocked, and appalled and turned on all at the same time.  How could this even be?  How could he be with me when clearly what got him off was watching another man?  Was he even aware of what was happening?  Was he aware of how his body reacted differently to what was going on on the screen in front of him?  

And did this make him gay?  Or did his physical reaction have nothing to do with his level of gay-ness?  

And ultimately…. how could the two of this move forward from this, or with this… was it even possible?