Now that we had established that Jay was bicurious, and wanting to explore what this meant for him, I told him that perhaps he should find a ‘boyfriend’…..
I’m not really sure what I meant when I said that… I just wanted to be supportive. I had no idea what it would be like for my husband to have a boyfriend, but surely I wasn’t the only one who had experienced this.
He installed a ‘Craigslist’ app on his phone almost immediately, and would often browse the mmf (male male female) ads to see if he could find anyone that matched what he desired. As open as he was being with me, he would still hide the fact that he was looking. I shamefully took to spying on him, and spying on his phone.
He continued to tell me that if he was going to explore, he would be exploring with me by his side. He wasn’t ready to do this on his own, and yet, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be with another man.
We took to looking at ads together, to keep sex fun and fresh, and one night, while getting ready to ‘get it on’, I suggested that we look again.
I’m not sure what I clicked on, however, I was met face to face with an ad that he had added to his favorites and replied to.
It was for a 36 year old man, who was looking for a ‘straight man’ to play with. He claimed to be attracted, with no experience and wanted to find the right match for him.
With all of my openness and support, I learned that Jay had been talking back and forth with this guy. Three messages in total.
Is he cheating?! Am I not supporting him enough? What about me?!
Jay looked like a deer caught in headlines when I showed him the message. I tried to calm myself. Reacting at this point wouldn’t open the lines of communication. I had to be sure of what the next best steps were.
“So you like this guy?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” Jay replied. “I only talked to him twice. But I like the pictures. And yah, it kind of turned me on.”
“Cool,” I replied, looking back at the ad.
To myself, there was nothing overtly special about the pics that he had included, but for whatever reason they got Jay excited.
In knowing that Jay was excited, it got me to feeling excited as well.
“Do you want to pretend I’m him?” I asked.
A flash of excitement sparked in Jay’s eyes. He shook it away. “I’m not sure what you mean.”
I kissed him softly. “Well, we’ve got the strap on. And you can only f*ck me in the back. If this is what turns you on, then let me please you”.
Jay was stripping my clothes off at this point. He was harder than he had been in a very long time, his bulge straining against his pants. There was a desperation in him, as he threw me on the bed, and started to kiss me from behind.
I played the part that night. Of the gay lover. Wearing my strap on. Being kissed in all the right places. Feeling special. None of my lady bits came into play. The lady bits weren’t what he was after. For the night, I could be the ‘man’ he needed me to be, to fulfill whatever fantasy was going on in his mind. And, for the first time in forever, I felt wanted in our sexual entanglement. I didn’t feel as though I had to ‘try’ to make him turned on. He already was, just by the mere thought of me being someone else.
I enjoyed it while it lasted, but just like Jay, the shame and the guilt that rode over me when we were all done was hard to work through.
Jay felt guilt that he hadn’t bothered to please me at all. And yet, as his orgasm reverberated through his body, and he cried out in ecstasy as he filled himself and filled me, none of that mattered. He was where he needed to be.
I felt shame that my lady bits were no longer wanted. I felt shame for feeling shame over this. Again, I wanted to be supportive, and yet, how do you support something that is killing you inside?