Stepping Past Boundaries

Now that we had established that Jay was bicurious, and wanting to explore what this meant for him, I told him that perhaps he should find a ‘boyfriend’….. 

I’m not really sure what I meant when I said that… I just wanted to be supportive.   I had no idea what it would be like for my husband to have a boyfriend, but surely I wasn’t the only one who had experienced this.

He installed a ‘Craigslist’ app on his phone almost immediately, and would often browse the mmf (male male female) ads to see if he could find anyone that matched what he desired.   As open as he was being with me, he would still hide the fact that he was looking.   I shamefully took to spying on him, and spying on his phone.

He continued to tell me that if he was going to explore, he would be exploring with me by his side.  He wasn’t ready to do this on his own, and yet, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be with another man.

We took to looking at ads together, to keep sex fun and fresh,  and one night, while getting ready to ‘get it on’, I suggested that we look again.

I’m not sure what I clicked on, however, I was met face to face with an ad that he had added to his favorites and replied to.

It was for a 36 year old man, who was looking for a ‘straight man’ to play with.  He claimed to be attracted, with no experience and wanted to find the right match for him.

With all of my openness and support, I learned that Jay had been talking back and forth with this guy.   Three messages in total.

Is he cheating?!  Am I not supporting him enough?  What about me?! 

Jay looked like a deer caught in headlines when I showed him the message.   I tried to calm myself.   Reacting at this point wouldn’t open the lines of communication.  I had to be sure of what the next best steps were.

“So you like this guy?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” Jay replied.   “I only talked to him twice.   But I like the pictures.  And yah, it kind of turned me on.”

“Cool,” I replied, looking back at the ad.

To myself, there was nothing overtly special about the pics that he had included, but for whatever reason they got Jay excited.

In knowing that Jay was excited, it got me to feeling excited as well.

“Do you want to pretend I’m him?” I asked.

A flash of excitement sparked in Jay’s eyes.   He shook it away.  “I’m not sure what you mean.”

I kissed him softly.   “Well, we’ve got the strap on.   And you can only f*ck me in the back.   If this is what turns you on, then let me please you”.

Jay was stripping my clothes off at this point.   He was harder than he had been in a very long time, his bulge straining against his pants.   There was a desperation in him, as he threw me on the bed, and started to kiss me from behind.

I played the part that night.   Of the gay lover.  Wearing my strap on.   Being kissed in all the right places.  Feeling special.  None of my lady bits came into play.  The lady bits weren’t what he was after.   For the night, I could be the ‘man’ he needed me to be, to fulfill whatever fantasy was going on in his mind.  And, for the first time in forever, I felt wanted in our sexual entanglement.  I didn’t feel as though I had to ‘try’ to make him turned on.  He already was, just by the mere thought of me being someone else.

I enjoyed it while it lasted, but just like Jay, the shame and the guilt that rode over me when we were all done was hard to work through.

Jay felt guilt that he hadn’t bothered to please me at all.  And yet, as his orgasm reverberated through his body, and he cried out in ecstasy as he filled himself and filled me, none of that mattered.   He was where he needed to be.

I felt shame that my lady bits were no longer wanted.  I felt shame for feeling shame over this.   Again, I wanted to be supportive, and yet, how do you support something that is killing you inside?

When His Confusion Creates Tension in the Bedroom

Sex is a huge part of any marriage, and when one or both partners is struggling with their own sexual identity, communication (as always) is key to keep things going in the bedroom. 

When my husband, Jay (**alias, as it’s his secret too) first started to discover this new aspect of his sexuality, he tried to keep it hidden.   He was curious.  He was bored.  Someone at work told him to check out a porn on shemales.  He told me everything in the book as to why he was looking, and in many ways, I wanted to believe him.

This was my own by pass of a difficult conversation that I didn’t want to have, or wasn’t ready to have quite yet.

He began to talk about prostate massage and how it would be good for his overall health for him to give it a try at some point, but he wasn’t ready yet, and frankly, neither was I.

We were about a year into arguing over his growing porn use, when on a long drive, without children, we were talking about sexual desires, and what the porn use actually meant.

He told me for the first time that was hoping to have me ‘peg’ him (where the woman wears a dildo and has sex with the man anally).   I told him I was willing to give it a try, if he thought it may help him, or that he would enjoy it.

We stopped at a local sex store, bought the needed equipment and went home to give it a try.   The strap on wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world, and the experience felt a bit awkward at first.   We were both feeling vulnerable, and turned on, and questioning whether this was the best next step.

After getting through the first painful steps, everything started to just flow.  For the first time in many, many months, I could see a look of ecstasy on Jay’s face.   While I was not receiving any pleasure in ‘giving it to him’, seeing him thoroughly enjoying himself in sex was enough for me.

But when it was all said and done, Jay recoiled and said that it was ‘okay’ but he didn’t think he would like to do it again.  

Sex returned to ‘male/female’ sex, and at the same time, it began to dwindle down.   Rather than our normal 3-4 times a week, we were lucky to get 1 or 2.

I questioned him on this.  His porn use was regular…..why couldn’t our sex life be as well?  As much as I tried to not make it all about me, I still couldn’t help but feel that I wasn’t attractive enough, I wasn’t feminine enough…. maybe I wasn’t ‘male’ enough…. regardless of what I wasn’t enough of, the answer in my mind was quite clear…. I wasn’t enough.

Jay would reassure me over and over again that it had nothing to do with me… he was tired…. we didn’t have time…. I was tired…. we had argued….. there was always a reason.  If I put the pressure on, we would have sex, if I didn’t, the sex would die off.

It was another year of this, before I really started to open up the lines of communication about this elephant in the room.  We had both danced around it, but neither of us was willing to truly speak out about what was going on.

One night I suggested for the two of us to watch a porno together, to get us in the mood and initiate some good sex.

We laid naked, as the porno began.  He remained soft as a woman was introduced, and the focus was on her pleasuring herself.  When a man came on the screen and he was exposed, fully erect, I watched my husband grow to a full erection as well.   The once soft, flaccid flesh between his legs was now rock hard and he started to stroke absently, slowly, then furiously.

I was shocked, and appalled and turned on all at the same time.  How could this even be?  How could he be with me when clearly what got him off was watching another man?  Was he even aware of what was happening?  Was he aware of how his body reacted differently to what was going on on the screen in front of him?  

And did this make him gay?  Or did his physical reaction have nothing to do with his level of gay-ness?  

And ultimately…. how could the two of this move forward from this, or with this… was it even possible?





Let’s Get This Straight… or Bi…. Whatever

Just throwing this out there so that I am no longer being kept silent by the thoughts in my head, and the way my brain runs away on me. 

I’m Ruthie.  This is an alias.  Because I have a secret.  

 My husband is gay…. Or straight… Or Bi.

 I don’t even know.

 I’m not sure that he even knows.   He has yet to be with a man, and yet, the thoughts of being with a man consume him.  I can’t say it’s ruining our marriage, or the life that we are building together.  In many ways it has brought us closer in that we have to communicate with each other in a way that neither of were expecting at the beginning of our relationship.

 We started dating almost 12 years ago.  Together we have 5 children, 4 boys, 1 girl.  It was like many normal relationships… We met, we fell madly in love, and everything was absolutely beautiful.  I was for certain that I had met my soul mate, like what they show in the movies.

 But six years ago, that began to change.

 Looking at our computer history to try and locate a cool product I had seen earlier, I came across my first look of shemale porn.  I had never even known the terms transgender before that.   The video (to my mind at the time) was disturbing.  I couldn’t figure out if they were guys with boobs, or girls with dicks.

 Looking back now, I realize it didn’t matter.

 This was the beginning of our journey into a fluid marriage, although we didn’t know it at the time.

 When I brought it up to my husband, he just said that someone at work had talked about it, and so he thought he would check it out.  But it meant nothing.   He said that he was uncomfortable watching it.   That the thought of being with a man disgusted him.  I left it at that.

And yet, my intuition would flare off every couple of weeks, and I became quite an avidinternet historian, tracing all of his whereabouts on the web.  I would wake upin the early morning, when he was getting ready for work, and I would know whether or not he was looking at this porn that ‘disgusted’ him so much.   

 I would call him out on it.   I would ask questions.   He had no idea why he was watching it, and vowed that he couldn’t even get an erection while watching it.  Maybe he was bored.  Maybe he was tired.  There was no straight answer (no pun intended).

 Inside, I was dying.  I thought, am I not good enough for him?   I have a vagina, is that enough?  Does he even like girls?  Is he gay?  Is he bisexual?  What does that even mean?   I felt as though I couldn’t bring up to my friends, or to my family.  What if I was wrong?   What if they no longer accepted him?  Could I continue to accept him?  I love him.   Was I ready for my marriage to be over?  Did watching men and shemales ‘do it’ mean that he was gay?  Or was it just a normal curiosity that would eventually settle down?

 I searched high and low for the answers to these questions.  I learned that ‘Is my  husband gay?’ was one of the most questioned ‘is my husband’ questions on google.  Apparently I was not alone.  There were many quizzes that I could take to determine if my  husband was gay (does he work out at the gym?  Stay up late at night and answer hidden texts?) But no one, no matter where I looked offered support or understanding for what it was I was going through.

 It’s been six years of ups and downs, fights, arguments, understanding, compassion,  learning to play together, and learning to listen to the deeper meanings in our  conversations to get to where we are today.

 Whether you are a woman in a relationship with a man who has these bicurious  thoughts, a woman in a relationship with a closeted gay man, or a man who is in a relationship with a woman who has been having feelings about being with a man,  or you’ve already stepped out on your marriage, I invite you to take this journey  with me.   

 I promise to not judge you, or where you’re at… And ask that you give me the same respect, as I explore our journey together in a public format.   Sometimes the answer isn’t a simple yes or no.  Sometimes love isn’t black and white.  And sometimes, you’re not simply straight, or gay or bisexual.

 The answer isn’t always simple, but I hope to enlighten you on my own experiences, on my husband’s experiences, and how we came to be a fluid couple with each other, in our words, our sexuality and our relationship.