Trying to Find ‘The One’

With my husband openly expressing his interest in being with a man, it was time for him to find someone to explore with. 

It turns out that ‘finding a man to explore with’ is a little bit harder than we had anticipated.  I figured that once Jay posted an ad on craigslist that he would find someone easily, but it turns out there’s a lot of sketchy people on there instead.

We had a few rules starting out.

For Jay, he wanted a man who was beginning to explore as well, or had little to no experience in being with another man (mainly for disease control).  Obviously he wanted someone who was clean (no brainer there) but also someone that he could have his adult fun with and then have a beer with like nothing had transpired between the two of them.

For myself, one of my greatest concerns were the other married men.   I didn’t want my husband to be the ‘behind closed doors affair’ kind of man.  I didn’t want him (and myself) to break up any marriages along the way.   I wanted his potential mate to either be single/divorced/widowed or in a situation like Jay, where the wife knew of the bi curiosities, and was supportive of him exploring.

Jay asked me to ‘be there’ to watch or to participate with his first encounter.  He didn’t want to be alone.  Finding it ‘kind of hot’ I agreed, and we set out to find the perfect match to explore with.

Our first encounter didn’t go as planned.   We had a kid free night, and accepted one of the first men to reply to our ad.  He seemed ‘fine enough’, and we agreed that we couldn’t be too picky.

Turns out, we should have been a bit more picky.

The guy was nice.   But kissing him was like kissing a tight-lipped trout, his pre-cum was thick, stringy and bitter, and when he went to use his fingers on me, I had to direct him as to what to do to actually pleasure me…. otherwise he was merely scratching me.

As for Jay, he had a hard time getting it up.  Every time the guy touched him, his dick went flaccid.

We didn’t force anything.  After about an hour of me not enjoying myself, and Jay trying to get things to work on his end, we decided we weren’t a good match.

That slowed things down in the search for awhile.

In fact, it seemed that maybe the ‘bi curiousity’ had dimmed down, and perhaps Jay was just ‘straight again’.  

But the next time the urges came, about 4 months later, they were stronger than before.  Every day, Jay was looking for someone to connect with.

The problem with Craigslist, is it’s a lot of guys who are looking for someone to chat with, share dick picks with, and get off behind the screen.  Everyone seems a bit scared to meet up ‘in real life’.

Jay’s next encounter was with a man we will call ‘Chad’.   Chad was a farmer, with a great dick (from the pics that I seen) and was keen to move forward.  He was separated from his wife, and was curious to be with a man.   Him and Jay met for coffee, while I stayed home with the kids, trying to calm my nerves.

Jay wasn’t overly impressed.  Chad, being a farmer I suppose, had a dirt ring around his neck, smelled of feces, and had rotten teeth in his mouth.

Not exactly sexy.

The two of them chatted for another few weeks, but Jay wasn’t ready to move forward.  He told me the fit wasn’t quite right, and maybe he wasn’t bi curious after all, as the thought of being with Chad disgusted him.

Again, things died down a bit.

The journey of finding someone would continue over the next few years.   Jay would chat with people for a bit, and they were either wanting to come suck his dick right off the hop, or wanted to chat so much that the conversation would die off.

Jay and I were always open with each other when either of us had been looking for someone for him.

Imagine our surprise when we both showed each other the same ad, for the same person.  We took it as a sign that maybe this guy was going to be the one.

Jay sent off a message, included a few pics and some details about himself.

Him and ‘Ben’ started to chat, and agreed to meet for coffee to see where things may lead.

Again, I stayed home with the kids, waiting nervously for Jay’s return.   In one way, I hoped he found what he was looking for, in the other hand, I wanted him to come home and tell me I was everything that he had been looking for all along.

When Jay got home, there was something different in his eyes.   Something that I hadn’t seen in a long time.  A spark.  The same spark that he once held in his eyes when we had first met.  It had dulled over the years, and I often wondered how I could get it back.  Apparently this ‘Ben’ was the answer.

We got the kids in bed before we had a chance to talk.   My mind was firing off the whole time, but Jay seemed calm, yet excited, and the spark wasn’t going away.

Finally, kids in bed, Jay and I went out for a smoke.

‘So?’ I asked.

‘So, it was good.  He’s a great guy.’ Jay filled me in on the details of Ben.   What he looked like, his personality, what he was into, his marital status (divorcing) and the fact that he had once been in a porn (Jay had a link to it, and showed it to me).

The spark in his eyes got brighter, and I thought, well I guess this is it.

Ben agreed to meet me the following week, as Jay wanted my approval as well.

Call it woman’s intuition (although at the time I thought I was just being overtly jealous, or over-reacting) but I didn’t like Ben a whole lot.  He seemed to lie, over seemingly stupid things (like the points in the dart game we were playing).  His story didn’t make a whole lot of sense.   And the lying.  Yes, I mentioned it.  But it was a huge red flag for me.

At one point, we were chatting about traveling and I mentioned that I had a skin condition that prevented me from being able to enjoy really warm climates.   Ben revealed that he had a sister in a near by town that specialized in my skin condition, and she may be able to help.   I got business details from him and decided to message her the following day.

When I messaged, I mentioned that my husband’s friend, Ben, who was her brother, suggested I reach out.

She wrote back that she didn’t know a Ben… she did have a brother, but his name wasn’t Ben.

Again, red flags.

I went into detective mode, and delved deep into social media to find out as much as I could about this ‘Ben guy’.

Turns out his name wasn’t Ben, but rather Zach.  (***all names have been changed for privacy)   And Zach was married.   To a beautiful woman.   And he had four children.

Everything that he had shared with us was an incomplete truth, or a white lie, or a complete lie.

When Jay called him out on it, Ben stopped talking to him.

This past year, we seen Ben/Zach’s picture in our local newspaper.  He was wanted for robbery.  There was a country-wide warrant for his arrest, for stealing a truck, motorhome, sea-doo, and tools.  Funnily enough, he had always talked to Jay about all of this stuff that he had.  Turns out that the stuff wasn’t actually his…..

We are 6 years into our journey of my husband discovering his sexuality, and our messed up encounters with a few men are as far as we have gotten.

Jay has recently started to talk to a new guy— John— but I am unsure at this point whether anything is going to come from it, or not.

But to all bi curious guys out there:  If you’re going to go searching— be real…. be honest…. be worthy.   The more you can be authentic about what you’re actually about, the greater chance you have of actually figuring out what you want and getting it.  water



When His Confusion Creates Tension in the Bedroom

Sex is a huge part of any marriage, and when one or both partners is struggling with their own sexual identity, communication (as always) is key to keep things going in the bedroom. 

When my husband, Jay (**alias, as it’s his secret too) first started to discover this new aspect of his sexuality, he tried to keep it hidden.   He was curious.  He was bored.  Someone at work told him to check out a porn on shemales.  He told me everything in the book as to why he was looking, and in many ways, I wanted to believe him.

This was my own by pass of a difficult conversation that I didn’t want to have, or wasn’t ready to have quite yet.

He began to talk about prostate massage and how it would be good for his overall health for him to give it a try at some point, but he wasn’t ready yet, and frankly, neither was I.

We were about a year into arguing over his growing porn use, when on a long drive, without children, we were talking about sexual desires, and what the porn use actually meant.

He told me for the first time that was hoping to have me ‘peg’ him (where the woman wears a dildo and has sex with the man anally).   I told him I was willing to give it a try, if he thought it may help him, or that he would enjoy it.

We stopped at a local sex store, bought the needed equipment and went home to give it a try.   The strap on wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world, and the experience felt a bit awkward at first.   We were both feeling vulnerable, and turned on, and questioning whether this was the best next step.

After getting through the first painful steps, everything started to just flow.  For the first time in many, many months, I could see a look of ecstasy on Jay’s face.   While I was not receiving any pleasure in ‘giving it to him’, seeing him thoroughly enjoying himself in sex was enough for me.

But when it was all said and done, Jay recoiled and said that it was ‘okay’ but he didn’t think he would like to do it again.  

Sex returned to ‘male/female’ sex, and at the same time, it began to dwindle down.   Rather than our normal 3-4 times a week, we were lucky to get 1 or 2.

I questioned him on this.  His porn use was regular…..why couldn’t our sex life be as well?  As much as I tried to not make it all about me, I still couldn’t help but feel that I wasn’t attractive enough, I wasn’t feminine enough…. maybe I wasn’t ‘male’ enough…. regardless of what I wasn’t enough of, the answer in my mind was quite clear…. I wasn’t enough.

Jay would reassure me over and over again that it had nothing to do with me… he was tired…. we didn’t have time…. I was tired…. we had argued….. there was always a reason.  If I put the pressure on, we would have sex, if I didn’t, the sex would die off.

It was another year of this, before I really started to open up the lines of communication about this elephant in the room.  We had both danced around it, but neither of us was willing to truly speak out about what was going on.

One night I suggested for the two of us to watch a porno together, to get us in the mood and initiate some good sex.

We laid naked, as the porno began.  He remained soft as a woman was introduced, and the focus was on her pleasuring herself.  When a man came on the screen and he was exposed, fully erect, I watched my husband grow to a full erection as well.   The once soft, flaccid flesh between his legs was now rock hard and he started to stroke absently, slowly, then furiously.

I was shocked, and appalled and turned on all at the same time.  How could this even be?  How could he be with me when clearly what got him off was watching another man?  Was he even aware of what was happening?  Was he aware of how his body reacted differently to what was going on on the screen in front of him?  

And did this make him gay?  Or did his physical reaction have nothing to do with his level of gay-ness?  

And ultimately…. how could the two of this move forward from this, or with this… was it even possible?