Tag: struggle

Stepping Past Boundaries

Now that we had established that Jay was bicurious, and wanting to explore what this meant for him, I told him that perhaps he should find a ‘boyfriend’….. 

I’m not really sure what I meant when I said that… I just wanted to be supportive.   I had no idea what it would be like for my husband to have a boyfriend, but surely I wasn’t the only one who had experienced this.

He installed a ‘Craigslist’ app on his phone almost immediately, and would often browse the mmf (male male female) ads to see if he could find anyone that matched what he desired.   As open as he was being with me, he would still hide the fact that he was looking.   I shamefully took to spying on him, and spying on his phone.

He continued to tell me that if he was going to explore, he would be exploring with me by his side.  He wasn’t ready to do this on his own, and yet, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be with another man.

We took to looking at ads together, to keep sex fun and fresh,  and one night, while getting ready to ‘get it on’, I suggested that we look again.

I’m not sure what I clicked on, however, I was met face to face with an ad that he had added to his favorites and replied to.

It was for a 36 year old man, who was looking for a ‘straight man’ to play with.  He claimed to be attracted, with no experience and wanted to find the right match for him.

With all of my openness and support, I learned that Jay had been talking back and forth with this guy.   Three messages in total.

Is he cheating?!  Am I not supporting him enough?  What about me?! 

Jay looked like a deer caught in headlines when I showed him the message.   I tried to calm myself.   Reacting at this point wouldn’t open the lines of communication.  I had to be sure of what the next best steps were.

“So you like this guy?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” Jay replied.   “I only talked to him twice.   But I like the pictures.  And yah, it kind of turned me on.”

“Cool,” I replied, looking back at the ad.

To myself, there was nothing overtly special about the pics that he had included, but for whatever reason they got Jay excited.

In knowing that Jay was excited, it got me to feeling excited as well.

“Do you want to pretend I’m him?” I asked.

A flash of excitement sparked in Jay’s eyes.   He shook it away.  “I’m not sure what you mean.”

I kissed him softly.   “Well, we’ve got the strap on.   And you can only f*ck me in the back.   If this is what turns you on, then let me please you”.

Jay was stripping my clothes off at this point.   He was harder than he had been in a very long time, his bulge straining against his pants.   There was a desperation in him, as he threw me on the bed, and started to kiss me from behind.

I played the part that night.   Of the gay lover.  Wearing my strap on.   Being kissed in all the right places.  Feeling special.  None of my lady bits came into play.  The lady bits weren’t what he was after.   For the night, I could be the ‘man’ he needed me to be, to fulfill whatever fantasy was going on in his mind.  And, for the first time in forever, I felt wanted in our sexual entanglement.  I didn’t feel as though I had to ‘try’ to make him turned on.  He already was, just by the mere thought of me being someone else.

I enjoyed it while it lasted, but just like Jay, the shame and the guilt that rode over me when we were all done was hard to work through.

Jay felt guilt that he hadn’t bothered to please me at all.  And yet, as his orgasm reverberated through his body, and he cried out in ecstasy as he filled himself and filled me, none of that mattered.   He was where he needed to be.

I felt shame that my lady bits were no longer wanted.  I felt shame for feeling shame over this.   Again, I wanted to be supportive, and yet, how do you support something that is killing you inside?

The Struggle Is Real

Being in love with a man who is confused by his sexuality can be frustrating.  I mean… I love him… but did I really sign up for this when I said, ‘I love you’ for the first time?  

I am playing catch up here with these blog posts….. Jay and I started on our journey of his sexual confusion about 7 years ago, so I have a lot to catch up on.  I may jump around from one thing to another, but be patient.   It’s nice to finally have an outlet, even though I  have put it off for years.

Loving Jay wasn’t a difficult task.  He was a kind and caring man, sexy as hell, smart, creative, great in bed, and a great father to our children.  He is what I would call a ‘manly man’… there is nothing feminine about him.

But with his growing porn use, his hiding, and his growing anger at me, it was becoming frustrating.   He would drink with his buddies, and then come home and cry about having a mid life crisis but wouldn’t explain any further.  I tried to comfort him, I tried to be supportive, I tried to help him to see that he wasn’t a problem.

I started to not speak up about his porn use, or his sexual tendencies, trying to give him the space that he needed to explore what he wanted to on his own time.   I wanted him to know that I supported him, but I also didn’t want to make him feel pressured to figure all of this out right away either.

Even if I wasn’t saying it to him, I was still thinking it, and questioning it, and questioning everything about who I was in the relationship and what I brought to the table.   Was I good enough?  Had he always been bisexual, or gay?

It was a bumpy road for quite a few years, as we navigated around the issues of his sexuality and the emotions that this brought up for him.

I came to realize that I wasn’t mad at him.   I was mad at the world, and the society that we live in.  That something could cause so much fear and self rejection within one person because it wasn’t deemed as ‘normal’ of societal expectations.  

I was up late at night with my youngest son, breastfeeding him, when Macklemore’s Same Love came on the t.v.   It had been my first time hearing the song, and tears rushed down my face.    Regardless if my husband was bi, gay, straight, or some mix of all of them, I needed him to know, more than ever that I loved him, that I supported him, and cared for HIM more than the ‘sanction of our marriage’.

 

Because at the end of the day, regardless of his sexuality (or anyone else’s for that matter) he should feel free to express himself in the ways that best suit him… and his lifestyle.   He was so angry at himself for these parts that he was trying to hide…. for no reason other than it was ‘not what he was supposed to do’.

The next morning I showed him the song…. I said, ‘Isn’t it amazing how far we have come in society…. I love this song, and I love this message, and I’m so glad this is all being so celebrated…. I only hope it can continue to be celebrated for everyone’. 

He agreed that it was a good song, and we ended up having a great conversation about the LGBTQ community, and how difficult it must be to gain the courage to come out… and how the ‘straight’ people don’t ever have to face the fear of that.

Being a spiritual person I said to him, It would be so much easier if we were all just energy…. and we got rid of our physical bodies…then everyone would be free to connect with who they want to without any of the stigma attached to it.   It would just be energy connecting with energy.  

‘This is why I love you’, he told me and held me tight.   I cherished that moment.   His Soul open to my own, and his walls of fear being brought down.   He hated himself enough, and the more I could show him how much I loved him regardless, the more he would learn to love and accept himself.