Category: Relationships

Accepting a New Husband

Being in love with a man who is confused about his sexuality is a bit frustrating at times.  I love him…. and in that, I mean all of him…. but did I really sign up for this? 

If I were to ask my husband today if he were gay, he would say no.   He would just say that he is interested in being with a man… but because he hasn’t been yet, he can’t really decide.  Even though we have been on this journey for what feels like forever, he’s still unsure of what all of this means.

If I were to go back to three years ago, he wouldn’t even admit that he liked guys to me openly.  It was just something that he tried to keep to himself, and did a miserable job of doing so.  It was summer of 2015 that he looked at me with an openly pained expression on his face and said, “I think I might be bi-sexual”. 

“Yah, I know,” I replied.

The relief on his face was heartbreaking.   He was in some serious pain.  I had read about this on multiple sites…. the struggle that many men went through, in being honest with themselves, and in being honest with their wives, children and family.

And no wonder:  In my own research into this, there isn’t a lot of support for the men who admit they are gay/bi-sexual and the women who love them.

In fact, I had purchased all of the books available on Amazon by Bonnie Kaye, after being on her website : Gay Husbands, Straight Wives.   I had been hoping for understanding, reassurance, and maybe a guide line, or how to.

What I got instead was a bunch of stories of many men who had cheated on their wives, who had led 2 different lives, and really did some God-aweful things to the women they chose to marry.   Rather than feeling more confident about our relationship, it only brought up more fears for me.

I think the part that got to me the most was her statement that there was no such thing as a bi-sexual man.   He was gay, or he was straight and there was no in between.

And yet…. here was my husband, confessing to me one of his own biggest secrets, that he was attracted to both women and men.   Confessing that he was wanting to experience sexual acts with a man…..but that he still wanted to love me, his wife, and make love to me just as before.  

Would it be possible for him to have both?  Could I be open enough and supportive enough for him to experience it?  Would I be confident enough in myself to help him to move forward with his curiosity?

Because of my own inner work that I had been doing behind the scenes since my first discovery of his shemale porn addiction, I was able to sit with Jay after his confession, and discuss what this would mean for our relationship.

What made him come to the conclusion that he was bisexual?   Was it a ‘phase’ that he was going through or was this something that he had been thinking about and feeling for quite a while?   Was he wanting to explore outside of the marriage?  And if so, how often would he need to ‘get out of the house’ to satisfy himself?   Was there anything I could do to support him in his own sexual journey?

His answers were simple:   He wasn’t sure that he was bisexual, but he knew that he wanted to try having sex with a man.   He was bi curious.   The desire came and went….it wasn’t every day, but sometimes the urges to be with a man were stronger than he could control.  It had been something that had started prior to him watching the shemale porn, and the porn that he was watching was really just an opening door for him to see if it was in his head or pants or whatever.   He would like to explore outside of the marriage, if it was okay with me.   Perhaps we could have a threesome.  He wouldn’t know how much he wanted it, until he tried it at least once.   And I was already doing enough by simply listening to him.

It was a conversation that I will never forget…. even though for some it may tear them apart, I felt in those moments that our souls were bared to one another.  We were both standing on the edge of the cliff, and neither of us were willing to let each other go.

If you are a ‘straight wife’ wondering if your husband is bisexual, or gay, or some mix of the two, I invite you to open yourself to him.   Be comfortable within your own skin to help him discover and accept these hidden parts of himself.  There’s nothing wrong with him…. or with you.   Conversation and acceptance for both of you is key for your relationship to move forward.  This doesn’t need to be the end.

If you’re a bi-curious/bisexual/gay man married to a woman, rather than allowing your guilt to eat up at you, have the conversation with your wife.   99% sure that her woman’s intuition is already telling her something is up.  The more you can open yourself up to her about what your feelings truly are, the freer you will feel.

I understand that not everyone will be able to have these conversations, however, it is these conversations that can allow us to grow together as a couple.  Again, this doesn’t have to be the end.   Trust in each other.

 

 

The Struggle Is Real

Being in love with a man who is confused by his sexuality can be frustrating.  I mean… I love him… but did I really sign up for this when I said, ‘I love you’ for the first time?  

I am playing catch up here with these blog posts….. Jay and I started on our journey of his sexual confusion about 7 years ago, so I have a lot to catch up on.  I may jump around from one thing to another, but be patient.   It’s nice to finally have an outlet, even though I  have put it off for years.

Loving Jay wasn’t a difficult task.  He was a kind and caring man, sexy as hell, smart, creative, great in bed, and a great father to our children.  He is what I would call a ‘manly man’… there is nothing feminine about him.

But with his growing porn use, his hiding, and his growing anger at me, it was becoming frustrating.   He would drink with his buddies, and then come home and cry about having a mid life crisis but wouldn’t explain any further.  I tried to comfort him, I tried to be supportive, I tried to help him to see that he wasn’t a problem.

I started to not speak up about his porn use, or his sexual tendencies, trying to give him the space that he needed to explore what he wanted to on his own time.   I wanted him to know that I supported him, but I also didn’t want to make him feel pressured to figure all of this out right away either.

Even if I wasn’t saying it to him, I was still thinking it, and questioning it, and questioning everything about who I was in the relationship and what I brought to the table.   Was I good enough?  Had he always been bisexual, or gay?

It was a bumpy road for quite a few years, as we navigated around the issues of his sexuality and the emotions that this brought up for him.

I came to realize that I wasn’t mad at him.   I was mad at the world, and the society that we live in.  That something could cause so much fear and self rejection within one person because it wasn’t deemed as ‘normal’ of societal expectations.  

I was up late at night with my youngest son, breastfeeding him, when Macklemore’s Same Love came on the t.v.   It had been my first time hearing the song, and tears rushed down my face.    Regardless if my husband was bi, gay, straight, or some mix of all of them, I needed him to know, more than ever that I loved him, that I supported him, and cared for HIM more than the ‘sanction of our marriage’.

 

Because at the end of the day, regardless of his sexuality (or anyone else’s for that matter) he should feel free to express himself in the ways that best suit him… and his lifestyle.   He was so angry at himself for these parts that he was trying to hide…. for no reason other than it was ‘not what he was supposed to do’.

The next morning I showed him the song…. I said, ‘Isn’t it amazing how far we have come in society…. I love this song, and I love this message, and I’m so glad this is all being so celebrated…. I only hope it can continue to be celebrated for everyone’. 

He agreed that it was a good song, and we ended up having a great conversation about the LGBTQ community, and how difficult it must be to gain the courage to come out… and how the ‘straight’ people don’t ever have to face the fear of that.

Being a spiritual person I said to him, It would be so much easier if we were all just energy…. and we got rid of our physical bodies…then everyone would be free to connect with who they want to without any of the stigma attached to it.   It would just be energy connecting with energy.  

‘This is why I love you’, he told me and held me tight.   I cherished that moment.   His Soul open to my own, and his walls of fear being brought down.   He hated himself enough, and the more I could show him how much I loved him regardless, the more he would learn to love and accept himself.