Being in love with a man who is confused by his sexuality can be frustrating. I mean… I love him… but did I really sign up for this when I said, ‘I love you’ for the first time?
I am playing catch up here with these blog posts….. Jay and I started on our journey of his sexual confusion about 7 years ago, so I have a lot to catch up on. I may jump around from one thing to another, but be patient. It’s nice to finally have an outlet, even though I have put it off for years.
Loving Jay wasn’t a difficult task. He was a kind and caring man, sexy as hell, smart, creative, great in bed, and a great father to our children. He is what I would call a ‘manly man’… there is nothing feminine about him.
But with his growing porn use, his hiding, and his growing anger at me, it was becoming frustrating. He would drink with his buddies, and then come home and cry about having a mid life crisis but wouldn’t explain any further. I tried to comfort him, I tried to be supportive, I tried to help him to see that he wasn’t a problem.
I started to not speak up about his porn use, or his sexual tendencies, trying to give him the space that he needed to explore what he wanted to on his own time. I wanted him to know that I supported him, but I also didn’t want to make him feel pressured to figure all of this out right away either.
Even if I wasn’t saying it to him, I was still thinking it, and questioning it, and questioning everything about who I was in the relationship and what I brought to the table. Was I good enough? Had he always been bisexual, or gay?
It was a bumpy road for quite a few years, as we navigated around the issues of his sexuality and the emotions that this brought up for him.
I came to realize that I wasn’t mad at him. I was mad at the world, and the society that we live in. That something could cause so much fear and self rejection within one person because it wasn’t deemed as ‘normal’ of societal expectations.
I was up late at night with my youngest son, breastfeeding him, when Macklemore’s Same Love came on the t.v. It had been my first time hearing the song, and tears rushed down my face. Regardless if my husband was bi, gay, straight, or some mix of all of them, I needed him to know, more than ever that I loved him, that I supported him, and cared for HIM more than the ‘sanction of our marriage’.
Because at the end of the day, regardless of his sexuality (or anyone else’s for that matter) he should feel free to express himself in the ways that best suit him… and his lifestyle. He was so angry at himself for these parts that he was trying to hide…. for no reason other than it was ‘not what he was supposed to do’.
The next morning I showed him the song…. I said, ‘Isn’t it amazing how far we have come in society…. I love this song, and I love this message, and I’m so glad this is all being so celebrated…. I only hope it can continue to be celebrated for everyone’.
He agreed that it was a good song, and we ended up having a great conversation about the LGBTQ community, and how difficult it must be to gain the courage to come out… and how the ‘straight’ people don’t ever have to face the fear of that.
Being a spiritual person I said to him, It would be so much easier if we were all just energy…. and we got rid of our physical bodies…then everyone would be free to connect with who they want to without any of the stigma attached to it. It would just be energy connecting with energy.
‘This is why I love you’, he told me and held me tight. I cherished that moment. His Soul open to my own, and his walls of fear being brought down. He hated himself enough, and the more I could show him how much I loved him regardless, the more he would learn to love and accept himself.